90 DAYS

Well, it's been 90 days since Tom passed away.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone remembers the date.  Everyone asks how I'm doing and on the outside, I'm doing fine.  On the inside, I'm mostly fine.  The weight of sadness and loss is extremely heavy.  I'm not sure you would believe some of the things that go through my mind sometimes.  Wonderful memories, bad memories, horrible memories . . . all in a flash and often in the same few seconds.  I believe my suffering and the suffering of others Tom's life touched is not nearly as bad as the suffering Tom endured.  It continues to be comforting that his suffering is over.  I wish I didn't think about it as often as I do.  However, I've recalled many great memories too and it's getting easier to grab a hold of those when I'm sad.  

I've tried to keep busy.  I've been to Georgia to shop for antiques with Tom's sisters and our nieces.  I went to Arizona to see Tom's aunt, uncle and cousins - shopping, hiking and a day at the spa.  The following weekend I went to Gatlinburg with my Spiritual Leadership Team and did some hiking in 5" of snow!  I went home to Memphis to do the family thing and spent a wonderful "bonus" evening with my girlfriends.  I haven't laughed that much in so long!  There are a few other trips in the works as well - it's nice to get out and about.  I wish Tom were here so I could tell him all about them but . . . he knows!

Of course, the puppies consume most of my time at home and I love having them to come home to.  There are many things still to do - right now I am preparing for the first garage sale (I think it will take more than one to "purge" all of our "stuff").  There are projects going on at the house - it is fun, most of the time.  The electric driveway gate is in and it is wonderful not having to get in and out of the car to open and close it!  Next up is a master bath renovation.  I was using the larger guest bath and closet(s) upstairs and our master bath and closet are just not cutting it for me!  I do like not having to run up and down the stairs all the time.  If I ever get another house, it will be one level!  Mom, you were right!

 I love just hanging out at home - there is so much to do there.  I go workout at the Y a few times a week.  Hopefully this cold weather will be out of here soon.  The Tuscany Trio is ready to start riding again.  No big biking trips planned this year - just some local stuff, but you never know!

My personal e-mail address is changing.  It is burnetj0617@gmail.com

Feel free to drop me a note!

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Endurance

I've been waiting for what I call a "butterfly moment" . . .

I read this story once about someone who lost a loved one.  The loved one had a thing for butterflies.  Once, during a particularly difficult time, a butterfly landed on the window ledge - kind of a sign that the loved one was still present.

I've been praying for something like that.  This Sunday, during the church service, our Senior Pastor's sermon was based on Isaiah 40:28-31.  This was one of Tom's favorite Bible verses and the one his sissters recommended we have printed in the memorial folders that were available at his service.  The sermon, titled "To Walk and Not Faint" had three points:

• Ecstasy - from the verse "They shall mount up with wings like eagles."
• Energy - from the verse "They shall run and not be weary."
• Endurance - from the verse "They shall walk and not faint."

Two of the hymns Sunday were also a part of Tom's service ("Great Is Thy Faithfulness" and "On Eagle's Wings").  Tom had endurance throughout his 21 months of illness and suffering.  I find strength from his fight to have the endurance to continue on.  Maybe this was the butterfly moment for me. 

Needless to say I cried through the entire service, but it was also good.  Not long after I got home from church, I received a call from two church members who wanted to come by and bring me some flowers.  They take the large bouquet of altar flowers and divide it up into small arrangements and deliver them to those who have experienced loss or illness.  It was a day filled with wonderful memories and blessings - especially since I spent a good part of the weekend thinking about the fact that yesterday marked the one month anniversary of the day that Tom passed away.

It's been very comforting that so many people remembered too.  I received calls, e-mails, texts, and chats throughout the day.  THANK YOU!!!!

Alive Hospice offers a Grief Support Group that meets at church 4 times throughout the year.  I called last week to see if there were any openings in the group that started last Thursday night.  The coordinator said she could squeeze me in but after looking at the make-up of the group, thought it would be better if I waited until the March session.  She said most of the folks had lost parents and there were only two "widows" in the group.  I can tell you right now, I do not like that title at all! 

Otherwise, the pups and I are doing OK.  My neighbors are taking good care of Finley and Fritzi during the week.  I wore them out this weekend while the weather was nice.  Someone asked me this week if I thought they missed Tom - I'm sure they do.  Here is a picture of them sitting in Tom's chair:

We've got plans for several visits to family and friends in the near future so we're looking forward to that. 

I know your prayers continue to carry us through this difficult time.  Cathy, Debbie, Tom's dad and I communicate regularly along with aunts/uncles/cousins/nieces.  Of course my parents and sisters are also a huge part of my support team as we are all grieving.  A special thanks to my co-workers - who see me the most and are always ready to offer a tissue and hug, and our friends - I stay in touch with as many of "Tom's friends" as I do "mine". 

God bless you all!

 

A tough call

I'm sitting here, watching the National Championship Game between Alabama and Notre Dame, trying to decide which team Tom would be cheering for.  First of all, he wouldn't be cheering - he watches silently while I "comment" on touchdowns and bad plays.   He would usually pull for the SEC team, but growing up a good Catholic boy with lots of relatives that are Notre Dame fans, he might pull for them too!  He would want to be watching a good game.  So far, it's a little lopsided!

It was good to get back to Church and Sunday School yesterday.  I wasn't sure how it would feel to walk in again but it was comforting.  I did not cry at all except when we said the Lord's Prayer.  Tom and I said that together for the last time Friday night before I left the hospital.

I was caught off-guard today.  I was looking for a file on my computer and noticed that it was dated 12/21/12 - the day before Tom died.  I just hung my head and cried - knowing that on that day, I had no idea what was going to happen - still hoping and praying and promising Tom that he was going to get to UAB.  Tom's illness taught me to be much stronger than I could have ever imagined but that just took my breath away.  I really don't want that to happen at work or any public place.

Opening the mail has been emotional too - each day I receive several sympathy cards and notes that are just so thoughful and comforting.  It is hard to explain but I can't believe they are addressed to me.

Debbie and Meagan are coming to visit this weekend.  I am really looking forward to it.  I also have a trip planned to visit family in Arizona.  I know I've mentioned it before (probably in the last post) but I will say it again and again . . . I always told Tom if he ever left me, I was keeping the family.  They are keeping me too - I am so blessed and thankful!! 

Otherwise, the puppies and I are doing alright.  I am just beginning to handle the "business" stuff, it is not too fun.  I am learning that you need to get on it but it is really hard when the pain is so fresh. 

Thanks to you all for keeping Cathy, Debbie, Tom's dad & family, and me in your prayers.  I ask that you remember our extended family of aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, and in-laws who are mourning as well.

Day One

So it's back to the "real world". I went back to work today - it was really good to be with my work family again. I certainly miss the Burnet/Ernst & Gyetvay families though. I know this is my "new normal" but I don't like it. I miss Tom so much, even if it meant spending all those hours at the hospital. I wish I could share with you all the wonderful cards, calls, texts, chats, Facebook posts, emails (gotta love technology), and especially the hugs. They have made impossible days possible.

I am surrounded by beautiful plants and flowers and incredible neighbors too. The freezer contains several helpings of comfort food. Many others have offered to help in so many ways; I hope they mean it, I will be calling!!

The puppies and I are are going to be alright. We will adjust slowly.

Tom was more or less alert when I got to the hospital on Saturday and we were able to say "I love you" to each other. I refused to say good-bye. I just told him to watch over us and I know he is.

Arrangements for Tom

Friday, December 28, 2012

Brentwood United Methodist Church
309 Franklin Rd.
Brentwood, TN 37027

Visitation: 10:00 am
Service: 11:00 am

Memorials may be sent to the American Cancer Society or Brentwood United Methodist Church

Brentwood Roesch Patton Funeral Home has charge.

Hotels nearby:

Hampton Inn and Suites 615.771.7225
7141 South Springs Dr.
Franklin, TN
Free WiFi, Free Breakfast

Drury Plaza Hotel 615.771.6778

Marriott Cool Springs 615.261.6100

Tom is in Heaven

Tom passed away peacefully at 9 tonight. Once arrangements are made I will share them here.

Thank you for your prayers and love.

I don't even know what to say

Dr. Rutland called me about 6:30 this morning and told me Tom was "bleeding out". Since his liver was not making clotting factors he wasn't holding on to anything they were giving him. They had given him 4 units of blood by the time he called me. He basically told me Tom would not make it and he wasn't even sure I could get to the hospital in time. We talked about what measures to take and all I could tell him was I wanted to be here. I threw on clothes and sped here. Tom is such a fighter - he is still hanging on. He is sleeping and comfortable. My parents came up and so did Tom's sisters, Debbie and Cathy. I called my co-worker, Becky, on the way to the hospital this morning and she met me here. She and my boss, Nancy, have been here all day and I understand several others have come that I did not see. I haven't wanted to leave Tom.

This is certainly not the way we expected this to turn out. I think Tom has known. He has suffered so much and it is brutal to watch him today. I know there is a wonderful place waiting for him and we will all get through this.

Please pray for peace for Tom and all of us.